did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
