Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
