she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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