I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
