Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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