i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
