It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
