Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
