life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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