Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
