u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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