She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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