well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
