Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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