Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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