During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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