My friends, they love my intelligence
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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