nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
