i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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