good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.