If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
