When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him