my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
