My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
