I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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