I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
