JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
