I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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