Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
