Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
