last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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