So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
