It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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