i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
