So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
