You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
