I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
