can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
