so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
