I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
