What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
