I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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