Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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