NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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