I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
