I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
