So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
