Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
