I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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