Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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