Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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