rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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