nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
