I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
