i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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